It seems like every time I come back to this blog, I'm drunk, depressed or both. Another thing that every visit has in common is that I always want to delete most of my published posts and start fresh.
That, of course, is silly. Not deleting the posts, but the entire notion of "starting fresh." It implies that I'm starting something that I'll continue doing, and that's definitely not going to happen. This blog won't ever amount to anything but my own personal refuge that no one ever reads but only serves as a place for me to blow some steam, or something in that direction.
I've had this blog for a good few years. It's served as this intermittent refuge for my thought vomit through so much shit, so many transitions and big life-changing events.
Unsurprisingly, I've just recently been through such an event.
I had previously written a really sentimental, pathetic post about my now ex-girlfriend. How she had done so much for me, convinced me that I could change. Maybe it wasn't all bullshit. I don't really know. I'm pretty conflicted. But I know it all went to shit and it has fucked me up pretty bad, and that I'm back feeling shit I hadn't felt for a long time before meeting her.
It's not going to kill me. I won't let it, of course. I will get drunk a lot, do a bunch of stupid shit and hate myself afterwards, and do this for a while, but it'll pass.
Yeah, life's a bitch, or some other similar cliché about life sucking. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some white wine and music waiting for me.